We keep returning to it because it is full of pain. We're on the fringes of recalling the original loss. Then one day we realize we have been telling ourselves the same sorry story for 40 years. But it's not about maybe moving to Tahiti. We feel a nagging dissatisfaction with things as they are. We wonder, wistfully, if we could ever go back and complete the journey. We men often tell the story of unresolved loss in the form of a grand adventure that was never completed. The story takes the form of a romance that was never consummated. It fades like a worn nickel but it never goes away. Maybe you blame your parents or her parents or her, or life, or society, or God or fate. So you drink and do things to make it go away but it doesn't go away. You say things to yourself to make it better or to make sense of it but it still stays like a lump in your heart.
FIND MY FIRST LOVE HOW TO
You are crushed and don't know how to deal with it.
Or maybe they do offer to talk about it but no way in hell you are going to talk about this with your parents or with a school guidance counselor or minister or anyone, not even your friends. There is no structure that lets you work it out. They don't give you a forum in which you can talk about how much you love this girl. Think about it as though it were happening now: They don't hear you or they don't know what you're feeling they don't take steps to reassure you or recognize your first true love they don't arrange for you to be able to visit. Then your parents moved you away and there was nothing you could do about it. Think about it: You fell in love and it was the most glorious and exciting thing you had ever felt. Hope and love are celebrated by writers and poets.
A friend has told me it is like a junkie trying to get back to the extreme feeling again of the first-time high of a drug. I guess I want closure and/or an answer before I die. My question for you is: Should I lay this notion to rest? What are the consequences of finding and contacting her after all of these years? Am I just a person in a futile quest for a relationship that cannot be reciprocated? Am I in for another bout of disappointment and depression? Is it a venture that will only destroy my family and marriage I have now? I have some faint hope of rekindling a relationship. In this age of the Internet, easy information and access to a private investigator, I may have a chance to find her if she is alive. I have thought about trying to find her and getting in touch with her again. But now I am older and I have not ever stopped loving my childhood sweetheart. In a nutshell, I sobered up, met a woman, got married, have children, and have a terrific job. I eventually pulled myself together and realized I was on a path to self-destruction that needed to stop. I tried to bury the memories and kill the pain with alcohol and drugs. I suffered in a deep depression that lasted at least 10 years. I was madly in love with her and it was like a knife was pushed and twisted into my heart. That was the last bit of information I had heard about her even to this very day. She lost the baby and eventually broke up with him. Then the letters and calls ended abruptly from her end and I heard from a friend that she met another man, dated, and even became pregnant. We hoped to get together again after high school. We kept in touch for a year calling and writing each other. But as fate would have it, my family moved literally across the country and our hearts were broken. As a young man during my late teens, I dated a beautiful girl for several months and we both fell deeply in love with each other.
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